The week after hospital...oh what a week!

So the week after hospital it was decided by both families (not me),that it would be best to spend all week getting our little terraced house ready to move in to as it was obvious that the reason I had my "breakdown"was that the witch and I should be living together as a couple in our own house and not with my parents. So each day everyone turned up to do their bit.The only thing wrong with this was that the witches family decided who did what,so it always seemed to me that my family got the short end of the stick( or paint brush). I,however, was not allowed to do anything in my own house.I was placed on a stool in the middle of the living room and left to watch everyone else decorating my house.I actually remember feeling like a five year old or on some occasions a bit drunk or drugged up as I was just sat there all helpless. At the end of the week the house was deemed fit enough to move in to,so we did. Our very own house....aah. I had already been off work too long.As a self employed person I did not get sick pay so I returned to my good old faithful Transit van.This was OK for the first week,but the witch then decided that she wanted me back for tea at the same time every day.I tried to explain to her that as I could be anywhere in the Country that I could not guarantee getting back for a certain time,but I would do my best.Well,this was not good enough,so the witch came up with a solution: I would work up to 4.30pm everyday and at that time,wherever I am I have to turn round and head back home.So I agreed to this quite ridiculous plan,knowing that most places I would be in at 4.30pm would most likely be at least an hour away.This was probably not the best thing to do as , as you can guess,I was late back most days. I would be welcomed with"where have you been till this time?" and " I thought I told you to turn round at 4.30 ".To which I replied I did,(even though I was an hour away).So the witch accused me of lying.Which she tended to do with anything I said these days. The situation got worse.It was the usual "happy couple" stuff:arguing,shouting,mugs being thrown.I dodged one when outside and to my horror it nearly hit the Transit!.After two weeks of living together I found my self in the spare bedroom,back to sleeping in a single bed.Mind you I found this quite easy as when we were in the marital double bed the witch had drawn an imaginary line down the middle that I was not allowed to cross.So it was just like been in a single bed any way. During the next few weeks we seemed to arguing and disagreeing all the time and all of this was my fault according to the witch.Part of the problem was lack of money so I went back to being a mobile DJ to earn some extra cash which the witch agreed I should do.This however still caused problems as the witch said we needed to talk about "things" and I was never there to talk to.I suppose you cant do right for doing wrong. In week four or five the witch decided that we should split up.I tried to talk about this with her but it always ended up in arguments and these were apparently always my fault. In week six of our marriage the witch told me that at the weekend I had to move out(of my house)and she would stay in the house until it sold.I of course would happily keep paying the mortgage until this happened.The weekend came and I had to work until noon.So off I went.I got back around noon and went into the house.As I entered I saw my suitcase and several bin bags full of my clothes etc.by the door.I asked the witch if this was it then to which she said yes.So I loaded up the Transit with the stuff.As I went back in to the house for the last time the witch said "so this is it then you are definitely going ?" I obviously pointed out the bags and she then said yes that's it then.Its over.I still cant work that bit out. I went back to my parents house and that very night found myself doing a disco for a wedding!It was that night that I learned what it was to be professional.Can you imaging how hard it was to say "congratulations to the happy couple and best of luck for the future" over a microphone? So now I am back living at the parents and the only thing keeping me going is the thought of becoming a Dad in three months. Well I did become a Dad.We had a baby girl.This is the beginning of a whole new chapter. It doesn't get any better...

The bed in the corner behind the door...out of view

So I remember being put in the back of an ambulance and the ride being very bumpy.I also remember getting pushed through the hospital and bumping into the door frame on the way into a room.Oops sorry a voice said.I actually remember thinking that they should be more careful with their patients! Now there I am laying on a bed waiting for a Doctor to come.As I am new to all this, ( the witch,as I found out later ,was an expert at attempting suicide.Although, unfortunately,not very successful),I did not know what would happen next.If I did I would not of even thought about taking an overdose. The Doctor came in and asked me if I knew what I had taken.So I told him about 10 paracetamol and a few small green pills.He told me I would have to have my stomach pumped to make sure all the contents were out.Well this is the bit that makes sure you do not try to overdose ever again.From my memory,stomach pumping consists of a bucket,a funnel,a rubber tube and some black gungy stuff.The tube is put in your mouth and you are told not to resist it when it touches your throat and just let the reflexes act naturally.This means that when the tube touches your throat you swallow it and don't fight it .If I tell people this part I can always feel it going down my throat,so as I am writing this now I have a lump in my throat! The funnel is put on top of the tube and the black stuff is poured down the funnel.This then travels down into your stomach.The tube is then withdrawn and the bucket is placed in front of you for you to throw up the entire contents of your stomach.This is why I will never overdose again.It is a horrible memory. Next I am put onto a ward.I was placed in the corner behind the door where another overdose "patient" was.He told me this was where they all get put as they are wasting Doctors and Nurses time.I was feeling bad enough and this did not make me feel any better.The Nurse who came to check on me was very nice and she joked about me only coming in so I could listen to the Big Fight on the radio at 3am.Actually ,she was the only one who did not make me feel bad for the two days I was there. We,(the two in the corner),were always left until last at meal times and the food was usually cold.We were told we could not have a Guinness with the other patients as we had taken pills and we would have to wait until the tea lady came round, which never happened.I found that we were not treated as well as the other patients and I actually did feel as if I was wasting their time. The day after my "attempted suicide" my Mum & Dad came in to visit me along with my "new wife".They made sure I was alright and my Dad told me that my brother had taken a week off work to look after my business for me.They then said they would wait outside to give me and the witch a bit of time together.Thats nice I thought. How wrong was I?She told me that this had not changed a thing and if I told anyone what really happened then she would take the baby and disappear and nobody would see them ever again.Then she left. This hit me like a ton of bricks .I found myself crying uncontrollably.So I hid under the sheets.After a while I heard voices and it was my brother asking a Nurse why I was like this and she told him that it was probably because I was ashamed of what I had done and it was bast if he left.So He went.I stayed under the sheets for a while and when it seemed quiet I decided to come up for air.The guy in the next bed had a bit of a chat with me to make sure I was OK. Later that day I was feeling a bit better and I was told a Psychiatric Doctor would come and asses me.He did this and after asking me about my back ground and circumstances and family history of overdoses(none to this day apart from mine) he asked me if I would be likely to do it again.I obviously said there would be no chance as I did not even want to do it that time.He said I would be kept in for one more night and could go home in the morning. So I am going home, bit where would that be? I was soon to find out.

My Turn For Suicide Then.

So,best to ask her what that meant then,just to be totally sure.
Yep,just as I thought:a suicide pact.Although I was certain she had not taken any pills I agreed to "join her" and suggested we did it properly by writing a suicide pact letter so people knew what we had "agreed" to do.Not surprisingly she refused to let me write one so I waited until she went to get the pills and scribbled one on the back of a business card and put it in my pocket.
She came back and sat on the toilet and I knelt down in front of her.There she was pills in one hand,glass of water in the other.As she popped the pills into my mouth I found myself counting..1,2,3.......7,8,9...10.After 10 I asked her if that was enough and she asked: "how many have you had?" I told her 10 and she said yes,that should be enough.Enough?! It was at this stage that I realised what I had done and that she definitely had not taken any herself.
We then went back down stairs and she took me into the living room and said that the best way for this to work was for me to lie down on the sofa and to try and go to sleep.I did this and asked her why she was not joining me(after all it was a suicide "pact").She told me that with her being pregnant she had been sick earlier and brought the pills back up.
Well this now looks more like murder than a suicide pact to me as there is now only one of us that has taken an overdose.To see how serious she was I asked her for a final kiss,(remember that there has not been any physical contact allowed for a few months now).So when she agreed and the kiss was actually on the lips,you can imagine how scarred I felt when it hit me as how serious and deadly this had just become.Also how determined the witch was to "get rid of me".
As I lay on the sofa she asked me if I was tired and I said not yet.So she pulled the curtains on and told me to close my eyes and try to go to sleep.I did this and she then left the room.
I laid there for a while and started to feel drowsy.After a bit longer I felt as if my body was been pushed down into the sofa and at the same time I felt as if I was floating.This was a very strange feeling.
Next came the light at the end of the tunnel!I did see this ,but when I think about it know,I was facing the window and wonder if it was just a bit of sunshine coming in through the gap in the curtains.
Just as I was trying to understand what was going on the witches sister arrived back from work and came into the living room.She saw me lying on the sofa and asked me if I was OK. I said I was just a bit tired from the night before.At this stage the witch came in and said she will put me in the bedroom upstairs until tea was ready.
She came up with me and gave me some green coloured pills and told me to take them as the others did no seem to be working.I asked her for a glass of water so I could swallow them properly.At this stage I remembered a spy film I had watched where the spy put the pill under his tongue and pretended to swallow.I think this must have been as a result of the pills I had already taken,but it sounded good to me.
So when the witch came back I did this and drank the water.I had to actually swallow a few though to make it look realistic.At this stage I felt a bit sick so the witch got me a bucket and I was very sick.Now when I am sick every body knows as it is a very loud noise.So the witches sister came up stairs and asked what was going on and the witch told her I had taken an over dose.She shouted at her to get an ambulance as she helped me down stairs.The girl from next door was brought in to help and the witches sister and the neighbour walked me round the room in circles to keep me awake.
The ambulance arrived and I was bundled in the back and it was off to hospital with me.

THE I WANT A BABY EXCUSE.

So we were having sex when and where ever we could.Mostly in the Transit or at her parents when they were out.All of a sudden the witch told me that she was feeling sad and upset about the baby she had lost to her last boyfriend and she wanted a baby quite desperately. I said we were not ready and we should wait a few years to see how we were getting on then.She said she would think about it as the feeling would probably go away.
A few days later she told me she thought my suggestion was very sensible,but she wanted us to get engaged.We had been going out for several months now so I said ok but we should take a few years to find a nice house and decorate etc before getting married and the witch agreed.
This meant that I now felt fairly confident about our relationship and I was sure the baby issue would go away for a bit.How wrong was I.The witch had said earlier in our relationship that she wanted to have " natural sex".This means no condoms.So I asked about protection and she said it's ok because she was on the pill.She totally refused to have sex with a condom as she said it was uncomfortable and smelled of burning rubber!My choice was unprotected sex or no sex at all.Hmm I wonder which I chose?
So no surprise when only one month after we got engaged, the witch announced she was TWO months pregnant.I was shocked at the time or maybe looking back now,gullable may a better choice of word.After discussing this we made a decision to get a house and move in together so we could be ready for when the baby arrived but not get married yet.This seemed fine until our parents wanted some input after which we found ourselves agreeing to bring the wedding forward.If we did this the witch wanted it to be as soon as possible ,as she did not want the bulge on show on the wedding photo's.Wedding here we come!
The next thing the witch told me was that I could no longer have physical contact with her as his made her feel sick.This meant no kissing or even touching.I could not even sit next to her just in case I brushed up to her.
So three months later we found ourselves getting married.I had been told that for the purpose of appearance and for the pictures I could occasionally hold her hand and give her a quick kiss every now and then,although one of the "quick kisses" must of caught her by surprise as she called me a bastard as soon as I had kissed her.One of my female friends who I had known for over ten years at this stage,waited until I was on my own and asked me why I was rushing into getting married as it seemed a bit odd.I told her about the witch being pregnant, but she still said it did not feel right.
The witch had told me that I had to wear pyjamas in bed on our wedding night.Now I had not worn pyjamas since I was eleven,so I just packed my boxers and thought nothing of it.How wrong was I! My wedding night was almost spent on the chair in the corner of the room.However,I was eventually allowed to sleep in the bed as long as there was "no touching".People always say you remember your wedding night.How true.Although I would rather forget mine.
We had found a house before the wedding, but were doing improvements before we moved in.We were staying at my parents house until it was ready,which was not easy as we did not have our privacy.Although with the no touching policy I don't know what privacy we wanted.This led to allot of arguments between the witch and me,so the weekend after we got married we were up at her parents house as they were away.We had been arguing again and the witch went upstairs to the toilet.After ten minutes or so I shouted up to see if she was alright.She said I had better come upstairs.So I went up to see what was wrong.She was sat on the toilet,but with both lids down.I asked her what was wrong and she said she had taken an overdose of pills.
I was horrified as my first thought was for the baby,not the witch.I told her I was calling an ambulance and ran down stairs.She followed and told me to put the phone down.I argued and mentioned the baby.I did not think she had taken any pills but thought I could call her bluff by calling for an ambulance.All of a sudden she appeared from the kitchen with a carving knife and held it to her stomach saying if I phoned for an ambulance she would put the knife into her stomach and through the baby's head.Again I thought she was bluffing,but this was one I was not going to risk calling ,so I put the phone down.
She then said if I really love her then I would join her.
Suicide pact here we come!

WITCHY WRONG DOINGS!

More witchy wrong doings coming soon.

Sex life here we come!

So, early twenties & just about to embark on my first encounter with the witch(first with anybody actually).As we both still lived with our parents ,then it was difficult to find any "private time".So we found ourselves going through allot of foreplay due to the circumstances.
One day we were parked in a lay by near the witches parents house,sat in the front kissing & groping when the witch suggested we got in the back of the van.So we climbed over the seats and laid down on one of the transit blankets which were in the back of the van.We were getting deeply involved & I put my fingers to work as this is the furthest I have got with any previous girls & I knew this worked for them.
Well it did.After a few minutes of the "fingers" the witch suggested we might as well just get down to it.So we did.She explained to me that the first time is not very good but it gets better each time.We did not use protection as it was a spur of the moment situation(usual excuse,then),& after what seemed like a few minutes we were done."Is that it?" I said,as if I was experienced.Yes,she said,I told you the first time was the worst.You will enjoy it more next time.
I must admit I was disappointed.I had waited all these years for this big thing called sex and that was it.A few minutes & its all over.The other girls that I had only had foreplay with were much better than this.Well the witch said it would get better as we did it more,so lets hope it does.I shall have to practice much more.Its a good job I have my Transit van!

A while went by as we got to know each other & trust each other(or so I thought).She was involved in the charity I was with & my friend & I were asked if we would do a valentine disco as a fundraiser.
So we all turned up at the venue(about a dozen of us from the charity),to do the disco complete with games & a raffle.A fun night for all!None of our friends knew that the witch & I were an item,although some of them had an idea.So the night went well & as we came near the end of the disco my friend decided to put Atlantic Stars "Secret Lovers" on as the last record & dedicate it to the both of us!
So our "secret" was out.Everybody knew now,& everybody seemed to be happy for us. People were saying how I would be"good for her".So we were now official.We could do anything & go anywhere we wanted.We both felt good about the situation as we became even closer than ever.The weeks went by & I knew Would have to tell here that I was not "experienced".
Going back in time a bit now.At senior school I always seemed to attract older girls & I suppose this put me off a bit.I remember at the age of 11 when I was in the park opposite the house I lived in,a girl asked Me out.When I said no thanks because she was too old for me ,she asked me how old I was,when I told her she said she was sorry as she thought I was about 14.She was 16.Same time as this a friend of mine wanted to double date.He was a year older than me but I agreed.When we met the two girls my friend told me they were 13 so we had to pretend we were the same age.Later the girl I was with wanted to get intimate & I didn't.So I suppose this put me off too.
So fast forward to 18.Me & my transit van.Sat there listening to the radio & wondering when I was going to lose my virginity.That's it.Ive decided.The next girl that's takes an interest in me I will sleep with.Sorted!
It was at that time that a report came on the radio about a new sexual decease called aids.Shocked at what I had heard I decided there & then to save myself for a few years.Say until I was 21.Then Ill be one of only a few people who were safe to have sex with.What a plan!
Now its my 21st birthday & I have invited a girl who Ive known for a long time.She has the same birthday as me as well & she will be 18 on the same day.We went round everybody together & by the end of the night we were going out with each other.Now that's what I call a 21st.Needless to say,I didn't make the most of it & to this day I don't know why I didn't sleep with her,she was gorgeous.So we only lasted a few months.She said I wasn't mature enough.Probably my fault then.
So ,hopefully the above few paras might help to explain(or not),why at 23 I was still a virgin.
I told her my situation & she said she wasn't bothered as everyone has to start somewhere.So sex life here we come!
More soon.Juicy but no pics!

So,as I said in the intro.This blog will be scattered over several weeks as I am doing this as & when I can,so please be patient.
So,how did I end up with the witch?Well,I knew her sister during my teens,so the witch(who is a few years younger than her sister),had got to know me & developed a crush on me as an older & nice,friendly bloke,I suppose.She once said I looked like Mickey Mouse?.
Now fast forward about 7 years,when,as a function DJ,my friend & I did the disco for the witches joint engagement & 18th birthday.Both my friend & I noticed how the Witch had "grown up" & my friend remembered how he had "missed out" as he is like that!(Or he was back then anyway).We had not seen her for a year or two due to her family(remember it is the witches sister I am friends with),going through a bad patch,& I think she moved in with the boyfriend.
Now,move on another year.
I was involved in a local charity & the witches sister had joined to gain a bigger social circle,so we were still friends & I was keeping up with her family ongoings.Shortly after she joined she asked me if her sister(the witch) could also join,as since she had got engaged she felt she was stuck in the flat with nothing to do.So she joined the charity as well.Her sister(my friend) told me that the witch was unhappy & felt like her life was not worth anything,& she could do with some new friends & some support.So that sounds like a Que for the lion then.
Over the months we developed a friendship,which was not that hard to do as I had known her through her sister for a long time now.She grew to trust me ,not just as a person but she trusted me as a "male".She seemed to have a dim view of males in general.We started to grow close as she confided in me & told me how miserable she was,how she felt trapped & chained to the kitchen sink.As I was self employed at this stage of my life,(this is where the transit van comes in),as a one man & van person,I found myself calling in to see the witch every now & then during the daytime to try & cheer her up & grab a coffee at the same time.She started to tell things which I felt uneasy about,but kept calling in as I felt sorry for her & the situation she was in.She told me how her boyfriend would come home from work & expect his tea to be ready on the table as he walked through door.After eating it he would go straight back out to be pub.He would then return to the flat drunk & demand the "usual bloke stuff",or be aggressive & as she told me at a later stage quite violent,although there was never any evidence of this.It was not until her sister rang me up one day to tell me the witch was in hospital,that I started to wonder if it was all quite accurate.I took her sister see the witch in hospital & on the way back she told me that the witch was pregnant & had lost the unborn baby.I was shocked & felt sorry for her,so when her sister asked if I would help look after the witch I was only too willing.
So now I feel sorry for her & a bit angry as I don't like to see girls been abused by their partners.I was only too happy to do what ever I could to help out.I would call round more often to make sure she was alright.Sometimes leaving only minutes before her boyfriend got home.One day she told me what had happened on the night she ended up in hospital.It was the usual scenario:boyfriend gets home,has tea,goes to pub,comes home drunk.He then argues with the witch & punches her in the stomach.I must stress that at this stage he did not know the witch was pregnant.It was for this reason that she says she lost the baby.
A few weeks went by then the witches sister asked me if I could go down with my transit van & move her out & back into their family house.I agreed as long as she would go down with me so there would not be any hassle with the witches boyfriend.So this is when the witch became single again & as I was soon to find out, available.
Next blog soon.Beware though,as we move along(slowly,but surely)some parts may be blunt or offensive & possibly upsetting.So please read with caution.
Back soon then
Bogus.

sorry,no blogs until next week.

intro

First of all I must explain the title.The lion is me.As a strong creature,but a softy at heart.
The witch is the ex from a long time ago,and the transit van.....
well its a transit van!
Blogging,well all this stuff, is new to me.At 44,I was not brought up with computers.So the blogs might be a bit intermittent as I am a two finger typer & can only do this at work,so I have to sneak the blog in during my dinner or breaks.
This blog will not be interesting every day,as it will be an account of my experience of falling in love.Getting engaged.Getting married.The birth of my daughter,and the attempted murder of myself by said witch.
The blog will start tomorrow with a short intro of how I ended up with the witch.People who know me say its better than watching Eastenders!I don't know if if that's good or bad.
Oh,and the reason for this blog is to let people know that these people DO exist in real life.Also to see if I can finally get closure after 20 years.